To me, a black hole is just a galactic slut.
These are my thoughts, conjured during my 2.5hr commute back and forth to work, which are done in a similar vein as 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey.Bio What Do You Want To Know?
The difference between living with or without small children is that you shouldn’t just nonchalantly eat what you’re pretty sure is a chocolate chip off the carpet. I know it’s not the only difference, but right now it seems like the most important.
Part of me is appreciative of the compliment that I have an asshole so clean you can eat off it. Another part of me is thinking that I need to find a new dentist.
I for one think that a pregnant woman counts as two people. So, technically, I got beat up by four people in that alley.
During cunnilingus I made the mistake of commenting on the weird human smell and taste. Mermaids can get very sensitive and easily offended about something like that.
When my daughter says that she wishes Pegasi were real, I can’t help but point out what a selfish wish that would be. She never even considered the inevitable number of deaths that would occur each year from massive amounts of falling horse shit.
My efforts to fulfill a lifelong dream of sliding across the front of a car were hampered by my choice of attire, as the assless chaps did nothing to lower the friction of the blisteringly hot car hood.
"As I walked back into the forest, hand in hand with the bear, it was the last time that anyone would ever see a trace of me. That is, until the day they looked deep into the eyes of our demented offspring, while it made egregious claims against the ownership of my estate", is the type of twist ending I’m striving to achieve for my autobiography.
Words cannot describe how much I love my wife. Except for maybe ‘unquantifiable’, as I guess that’s literally exactly what I mean.
If you find yourself in a rocket that’s accidentally hurtling toward the sun and your major concern is that you may have forgotten to pack sunscreen, then it’s safe to assume that estimating the severity of situations was not a prerequisite for your position.