It’s cute when your kid asks you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Even cuter is the look on their face when you tell them that you’d like to be the parent of a 4 year old that knows what the hell a grown-up is.
These are my thoughts, conjured during my 2.5hr commute back and forth to work, which are done in a similar vein as 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey.Bio What Do You Want To Know?
Did you ever notice that if you misspell the word ‘lonely’ you can end up with the word ‘masturbation’? I mean, you’d really have to be a bad speller and add a lot of extra letters, but it’s pretty uncanny, right?
“If I’m being completely honest, that dress makes you look gigantic!” is the easiest way for a man to commit suicide.
I finally found out the answer to the age old question about how much wood a woodchuck could chuck by training a woodchuck how to chuck wood. It turns out that the first log just crushes him to death.
If they want to get wrestling back in the Olympics then they should make it more interesting by going back to when it was first introduced and have nude competitors. In fact, I think all the events would be better that way. Except for powerlifting. Nobody wants to see that.
Have you ever been so drunk that you can’t think of a suitably awesome way that this sentence should have ended after “so drunk that you…”? That’s why, when drinking, you should always employ the ‘buddy with a smartphone’ system.
The hardest thing I ever had to give up was my pet rock. We just couldn’t afford to feed him anymore.
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘shake what your mother gave you’? Well, as a kid hearing that for the first time you can see how there could be a slight misunderstanding, and also why it didn’t bode well for my baby brother she left me to babysit.