September302014
September282014

806

The difference between living with or without small children is that you shouldn’t just nonchalantly eat what you’re pretty sure is a chocolate chip off the carpet. I know it’s not the only difference, but right now it seems like the most important.

September212014

805

Part of me is appreciative of the compliment that I have an asshole so clean you can eat off it. Another part of me is thinking that I need to find a new dentist.

September142014

804

I for one think that a pregnant woman counts as two people. So, technically, I got beat up by four people in that alley.

September72014

803

During cunnilingus I made the mistake of commenting on the weird human smell and taste. Mermaids can get very sensitive and easily offended about something like that.

August312014

802

When my daughter says that she wishes Pegasi were real, I can’t help but point out what a selfish wish that would be. She never even considered the inevitable number of deaths that would occur each year from massive amounts of falling horse shit.

August252014

801

My efforts to fulfill a lifelong dream of sliding across the front of a car were hampered by my choice of attire, as the assless chaps did nothing to lower the friction of the blisteringly hot car hood.

May152014

800

"As I walked back into the forest, hand in hand with the bear, it was the last time that anyone would ever see a trace of me. That is, until the day they looked deep into the eyes of our demented offspring, while it made egregious claims against the ownership of my estate", is the type of twist ending I’m striving to achieve for my autobiography.

May142014

799

Words cannot describe how much I love my wife. Except for maybe ‘unquantifiable’, as I guess that’s literally exactly what I mean.

May132014

798

If you find yourself in a rocket that’s accidentally hurtling toward the sun and your major concern is that you may have forgotten to pack sunscreen, then it’s safe to assume that estimating the severity of situations was not a prerequisite for your position.

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