September212014

805

Part of me is appreciative of the compliment that I have an asshole so clean you can eat off it. Another part of me is thinking that I need to find a new dentist.

September142014

804

I for one think that a pregnant woman counts as two people. So, technically, I got beat up by four people in that alley.

September72014

803

During cunnilingus I made the mistake of commenting on the weird human smell and taste. Mermaids can get very sensitive and easily offended about something like that.

August312014

802

When my daughter says that she wishes Pegasi were real, I can’t help but point out what a selfish wish that would be. She never even considered the inevitable number of deaths that would occur each year from massive amounts of falling horse shit.

August252014

801

My efforts to fulfill a lifelong dream of sliding across the front of a car were hampered by my choice of attire, as the assless chaps did nothing to lower the friction of the blisteringly hot car hood.

May152014

800

"As I walked back into the forest, hand in hand with the bear, it was the last time that anyone would ever see a trace of me. That is, until the day they looked deep into the eyes of our demented offspring, while it made egregious claims against the ownership of my estate", is the type of twist ending I’m striving to achieve for my autobiography.

May142014

799

Words cannot describe how much I love my wife. Except for maybe ‘unquantifiable’, as I guess that’s literally exactly what I mean.

May132014

798

If you find yourself in a rocket that’s accidentally hurtling toward the sun and your major concern is that you may have forgotten to pack sunscreen, then it’s safe to assume that estimating the severity of situations was not a prerequisite for your position.

May122014

797

If I had a pet Komodo dragon which developed some kind of large growth on the back of its neck, I think I’d be reluctant to get it checked out. Not because it’s illegal to own one and I wouldn’t want to risk a vet ratting me out, but because I could then use the awesome nickname ‘Quasi-Komodo’.

May112014

796

I’ve found that using the excuse of having a terrible case of diarrhea can get you out of almost any situation, except needing to fix the toilet.

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